Just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Just because things are better doesn’t mean they aren’t still hard.

Grief is a funny thing. Moments you expect to be triggering can pass by without a second thought. Then a seemingly little thing can cause that pain in your chest and a lump to rise in your throat. As much as we are told to show ourselves compassion it is not easy. Especially with grief it hurts to feel so pushing it away and denying your feelings sometimes can seem easier. No one wants to hurt.

I know with time grief can get smaller. But like trying to shake the sand off from the beach one or two grains almost always remain. Most folks have experienced having that tiny bit of sand in your shoe. It’s so small but oh so annoying. It’s hard to focus on anything else because that sensation on your foot just won’t go away. Yes you are out of the sand storm and you are a survivor but few chapters close that easily.

But that’s what makes you powerful. Not because of your struggles, the things that nearly broke you don’t make you strong. They don’t deserve that much credit. I refuse to give the man who knocked me off my bike any kind of congratulations for ripping apart my life. However recovery, battles that I never expected to fight, and the fact I am still standing. That makes me a badass warrior queen. Trauma might define you but it doesn’t make all of you. Even if you are buried right under that sand hidden from all light, you are still there. Still a physical being who takes up space in the world. Who deserves to take up space in the world.

All people experience grief in its many forms. Grief is a part of being human. But some things no human should experience and whether it was in any way your fault or not (whatever fault means). You pain is real and you don’t deserve to suffer. I spent years convincing myself that my accident was my fault. But even if it was (I now realise it wasn’t) then what was punishing myself achieving? I couldn’t change what happened and all I was doing was adding to my own suffering.

Grief is hard and it hurts. But to feel it shows you are alive. We all deserve a beautiful life, you deserve a beautiful life. Let yourself look for those little bits of everyday magic. After all if something as small as a grain of sand can hurt then something else as small can help. Our lives our made up of million of grains of sand in the end.

As the 11th Doctor said: “Hey, do you mind if I tell you a story? One you might not have heard. All the elements in your body were forged many, many millions of years ago in the heart of a far away star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe.”